Background to where I am now..

You have NO idea, as to how much I hate oranges and peanut butter!

So WHY am I eating Oranges and Peanut Butter, if I hate them that much?  I'll tell you..

My weight has been an issue all my life.  I am a Food Addict. No matter how much I eat, I never feel full and as soon as one meal is finished.. I'm looking for the next.  It's a horrible thing.. up there with other addictions like Alcoholism and Cigarettes, but unlike Alcoholism and Cigarettes, Food Addiction, and why it happens, doesn't seem to be as much out there in the public eye.

As those in the same boat as myself will know.. you go to the Doctors, who wag that little finger in your face and say 'Naughty Naughty.... you need to go on a diet!  Here, let me refer you to a Dietician'... Thank you.. Goodbye.

By the time you have opened your mouth to voice what is going on in your mind.. you find yourself outside the Doctors Door with a slip of paper in your hand informing you that the Dietician will be in touch sometime soon.  Oh.. Ok then. Now, where's the nearest cafe....

Fast forward... a couple of weeks later, the letter arrives. 

'You have been referred to Mrs/Mr/Dr (insert name)..Dietician. Please attend at......etc..etc.'

Great! Ok, lets see what they have to say. 

Well yes, apart from that... :) 

The Dietician is a lovely lady and between us, we go through all that I eat and all that I don't eat.  Guess what??? Apparently it's what I eat that's causing the weight gain!! Like I didn't know THAT!  And what I NEED to eat, is what I'm NOT eating at present. 

Here's the problem.  Although I love Vegetables (no problem there), I have a major dislike of fruit, big time!  I can manage the occasional Honeydew Melon, but as soon as I take a bite and find it's not sweet/ripe, it turns me off completely and I won't go near another one for months!  Oranges? Nope.. too tart for me. Apples? I don't like the texture/feel of them in my mouth, makes me want to retch (sorry.. TMI I know!)  Strawberries?  A definite no no.. and so it goes on.

Upshot is, I'm quite rightly told to cut out what I normally eat.. ie bread, potatoes, pies, cakes, biscuits, takeaways, and instead replace them with more veg, more fruit (um.. didn't I just tell you that...??  Oh never mind!) more water, less caffeine, more exercise.. yada-yada-yada.  Here, have a diet sheet.. off you go.. good luck! Come back and see me in (x) amount of months.  Cue handshake.. and once again I'm outside the door, without once ever being asked WHY do you overeat, or WHAT'S going on in that pea sized  brain of yours to MAKE you want to overeat?

Now.. eyeing diet sheet, you are thinking.. Ok, so where's the nearest Cafe.. As I am condemned .. I may as well have one last good meal!

I guess round about now, you.. my patient reader.. is still wondering about the oranges and peanut butter!  I'm getting to it.. in a round about fashion! :) 

Home.. with the lovely memory of that lasagne you just had as your 'last meal' still floating around on your taste buds... and upon gazing upon your 'diet sheet'.. instant gloom starts to descend. Suddenly, nothing on that sheet looks appetizing.  OMG I'm going to STTARRRVVEE!!!!  I'm instantly hungry.. what can I eat.. there's NOTHING on there for me to eat..  I'm so depressed... woe is me.. so hard done by.. I may as well give up right NOW.. 

But you haven't even started!  

Ok, mental shake.. lets give it a try. Ok, so for breakfast tomorrow (all diets start 'tomorrow' don't they?)  I will have (honey nut cornflakes.. says my brain).. NO...stop that!  I will have (Frosties..? says my brain hopefully) No..  it will be Bran flakes with semi skimmed milk, I tell myself sternly.  A muted grumble of protest from brain, but. accepts it so far.

Lunch time will be... (wait!.. says Brain.. you skipped out midmorning snack...)  But there's nothing 'interesting' to have as a snack, according to this list.. unless .. I COULD have an apple I suppose (instant shutdown from Brain).. Ok.. maybe not.  So.. Lunch.. hmmm.. cottage cheese and crackers?  (waits for protest from Brain, but it seems ok with that)

Dinner/Tea time.. and yes I KNOW, Brain.. I have missed out mid afternoon snack, before you jump in!! (Rebellious silence from Brain).  Now lets see.... roast chicken? With lots of fresh veg? (Interested 'perk' from Brain).. I can do that.. (mmmm ... thinks Brain, roast potato, Yorkshire Pudding, gravy.. this is more like it! )  Sorry, you say.. can't have roast potatos, yorkshires or Gravy oh and no skin on the chicken. (Cue instant packing of bags and threats of moving out from Brain!) 

And so.. it goes on day in day out.. for 3  days at least!  You, struggling to adjust to a 'healthier' eating regime with your brain in full war mode, opposing EVERYTHING that you want to do.. sabotaging your good intentions and efforts to lose weight. (Does any of this ring true with anyone else so far?).  After the 3 or so days, you are depressed, crying, shaking, making life miserable for yourself and those around you. By this stage Brain is thinking.. I'm getting the upper hand here.. I'm gonna win this!  By the end of the day she's going to be reaching for the Maltesers, and I'll be back in control again'

Sure enough, you find yourself giving in.. oh look, a slice of cake.. how did THAT get into my hand.. Naughty brain.. I shouldn't.. but.. mmm.. ohhh <drool> it looks sooo good.. just one taste  (brain rubbing hands by now.. metaphorically speaking of course!).. oh yes.. that tastes fabulous.. feel the sugar rush... oh yess... YESSS 

MASSIVE FEELINGS OF GUILT AND FAILURE immediately follow.. am I right?  

Oh well.. that's it!  I've done it now.. I'm hopeless.. I knew this wouldn't work (Gloating Brain.. it got what it wanted). No point in continuing with this diet.. it's crap.. doesn't work (told you so says smug Brain). I may as well have another slice of cake.. (go for it! Says gleeful Brain). And so.. you are back to square one.. Still overweight, but desperate to make a change.. and so it continues.. a never ending cycle of Drs, Dieticians, promises made, promises broken, so frustrated and looking on food as the enemy.. but do you know what??  I'm turning 50 this year (whoopee, go me.. yeah baby), and it's only NOW.. on writing this down that I have realised...are you ready?  

FOOD IS NOT THE ENEMY...Yes you read that right.  Food is NOT the enemy.. The enemy lies within..... YOUR BRAIN!! 

(Attempt at innocent whistling coming from Brain.. who.. me?)  Yes YOU.  It's the Brain that is in control of you.. NOT the food..

This is the point I am trying to make.  Doctors.. you can send us 'fatties' to as many dieticians as you like.. Dieticians.. you can hand out as many diet sheets as you like to us.. but without getting to the ROOT of the problem - ie WHY we overeat.. what's happening deep inside our crafty Brain and its thought processes, many of us will struggle all our lives to lose weight.. as I have, and am still doing so. 

Another thought - does weight gain cause Depression?? Or does Depression cause weight gain? Because I am now, finally starting to admit I may have Depression and I may have had it most of my life.. but its gone undiagnosed.  Appointment to be made with Dr's tomorrow for this but if he wags that finger at me and advises me to lose weight.....

To cut a very long story short.. (too late!) I weighed myself this morning and in the past year alone I have put on 3 stone, bringing me to 22 stone 3lb.  This certainly accounts for why I am almost immobile.. why my legs shake when I stand for long periods of time.. why my lower back screams in protest when I walk even to the end of the path and back, why I can't go for walks with the family any more.. why I sit and cry when I am alone. Why I am now so scared that my daughter may be left motherless if I continue on this path.  

I need to write this blog, a little bit each day, to jot down my feelings, to distract the brain (..huh?  Says brain.. say what?...) whilst I try to get a handle on where I am going in the future.  I have started a 3 day 'diet' today. Don't worry gentlefolk.. it's not a quack diet.. a Get Thin Quick diet.. a 'drink only this for 3 days and you will lose 6 stone' type of diet (I'm desperate, but not stupid! lol ) Look up British Heart Foundation 3 day diet.. That's where the ORANGES and the PEANUT BUTTER comes in. (told you I'd get around to telling you about it!) 

Day one. (This morning, Sunday 28th February 2016) Breakfast - one blood red orange (initial revulsion from taste buds and brain, but curious acceptance from both after a couple of slices), and peanut butter on toast, plus a pint of water.  Whatever chemicals are in the orange and the peanut butter, brain is mellow and chilled.. no cravings (yet).. just a constant urge to go for a wee!  

To be continued....Thank you for reading x